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Too tired to cry
By Mommy24-7 | October 2, 2007
This is just how I’m feeling tonight. Although I’ve gotten tons of it out… I am too busy to be tired and too tired to cry. I am tired of isolating myself and putting up a front but I’m in a really tough place right now. My in-laws have been causing terrible stress and hell on my marriage for over 2 years now. It was then that we found out horrible things about them and cut off contact. I should feel open enough to let it all out here. Friends and family know the story. The point is that my marriage is really suffering because of my in-laws and the fact that they are trying to creep back into our lives…and my husband is not presenting our “united front” as we once had it. It’s a big mess of emotions and it kills me daily. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and I just want to be happy. I am happy and I try to fill every day with tons of fun things. There’s just always this black cloud hanging over us. There’s always the next contact that sends my marriage to hell. I’ve spent way too much time on these people and yet there’s no end in sight.
My daughter is so smart. I’m not about to explain things to her at 2.5, but I need to know what I’m going to say/how to explain these people. She has no clue who they are but I’m being trapped in a corner and forced to figure out so many things that I’m not ready for. I wasn’t ready when I found out these things, but she was 6 months old then. Now she truly has been able to understand for a long time. I’ve done my best to just keep her away from anything so she doesn’t have questions.
This doesn’t make much sense since I’m not saying what I’m keeping her from. In short, my in-laws will never be allowed to see my daughter without me present. They are completely untrustworthy and that is putting it mildly. So, it just breaks my heart a bit more each day for my husband to want contact with them. He does agree that he would never leave our daughter alone with them, but that’s just not the issue.
When you’re a mother, you protect your children. You don’t have friends in your life that you don’t trust. Why would you need the poison of family just for the simple fact that they are “family”. I want my daughter to have the best and not to deal with this horrible negative energy. I’m not saying that lightly. It really makes me sick, full of anxiety, angry, sad. I don’t want my daughter to feel that. I don’t want to reflect that either.
I need to find a therapist or someone at her pediatric practice who talks to kids about severe issues like this. Not to talk to her anytime soon…but for me to figure out what to do. It’s really eating me up every day now. I have good days, good weeks etc…but then something happens…contact from them….and it sends me into panic mode.
It’s really not a happy way of life. I’d like to just think about my day to day, my family, stress about normal things or not enough time in my day etc. I’d like to think I could get through the rest of the year without fighting with my husband about this. But, it’s October…Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are all going to bring unwanted requests of “can we see you” blah blah blah. If it just bothered me, I’d suck it up…after all, I attended my sil’s daughter’s b-day party, my other sil’s bridal shower and wedding…all having to be in the same room with them AND with my daughter. But that was sooooo uncomfortable for me. I was physically sick being near them and totally angry (at a wedding) when they were too close. They had the nerve to talk to me and even my daughter. It took everything in me to not say what I really wanted to say/completely ignore them. I was not kind, but I had to show a “strangers kindness” in front of my daughter. I can’t teach her manners without showing her myself. But UUUGGGGHHHH. Enough. I can’t do it again. Not for holiday’s. They are not their holidays…no one’s getting married etc. I would like to have nice holiday’s myself and don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Topics: the others, Pieces, Argh |
